Uzi - Super Schola Dog

Uzi's supersonic ears perk up as he hears the faint sound of a guitar twanging in a Catholic church somewhere. Not an uncommon sound. In fact, it is about as common as styrofoam in a McDonald's wastebasket, but this time it is different. It is accompanied by the cry of distress of Sweet Polly Purebred. [Polly is the representative of all that is pure and noble, sweet and innocent, faithful and true about the Christendom College soprano section. (Not that there's anything wrong with the altos!)] She is in distress because - she is being forced to sit through a guitar Mass!

Immediately Uzi takes off, flying on his own power, and locking into the sound of Polly's cry he follows it like a laser beam to its source. He finds the miscreants (2 of them), strumming away, and proceeds to deliver several well placed jujitsu blows, afterwards breaking the guitars over their heads. But being the soul of charity that he is, his job being done, he picks them up, dusts them off, shakes their hands and then sends them each off with a copy of the "Parish Book of Chant" personally autographed by Jeffrey Tucker.

He then proceeds to sing the remaining propers and lead the congregation in a rousing rendition of Chant Mass X (Alme Pater). The monsignori and ministri beam.

"Why, thank you kind sir," gushes Polly. "How can I ever repay you?" Normally Uzi would accept no reward for doing his duty, but this time something strange happens. An eerie light shines on his countenance and a smirk plays at the corner of his lips while we hear our heroic hound say, "Well darlin', how about a big keeeees." (Oh, no! Do we detect the maleficent influence of that corny canine, that palavering parvenu, that obstreperous occidental, "Texas Schola Dawg"?)

"Well, I mean . . . but you see . . . umm . . . uh," stammers our heroine. Drops of sweat trickle down her back, as our plucky Polly tries to extricate herself from this one. You see, Uzi is still young and impressionable, basically a good lad, but obviously under the influence of her archnemesis, Texas Schola Dawg - as Polly sees all too clearly! Can she deflect him gently, while not devastating our young superhero whose powers are so vital to humanity?

Let's see just how resourceful our girl is.

"I suppose you've kissed all of the sopranos, just like Texas Schola Dawg?," Polly began. "Well, uh, he SAYS he has and I . . . uh . . . are you implying there's something wrong with the altos?" he countered. "Well, of course not, just follow me on this one," continued Polly. "If I were to kiss you, than I would be just like all of the other sopranos to you," - "and altos," he added - "and altos," she continued somewhat grudgingly, "and thus I wouldn't be special to you anymore. And that's very important to a girl," she said flipping her hair ever so slightly.

Uzi arched an inner eyebrow. "I guess I never thought of it that way."

Warming to her point, Polly continued, "so you see, the less physical contact we have, in fact, the less we see of each other, the more special I will be to you."

"Uh . . . OK . . .," he said slowly, like a Thomist trying to follow a Phenomenologist's argument. "I think I . . . uh . . . see your point . . ."

Not knowing when to stop, our Polly tried to continue with this train of thought - not quite realizing that, due to a strike by the United Brotherhood of Railroad Switchers and Tracklayers Union, Local #547, the track was to run out soon.

"You are like my knight in shining armor and I am one of those damsels for whom you joust and slay dragons." "You see, you devote yourself to me and do all these things for me, but, at most, you might occasionally catch a glimpse of me in a parapet of a castle. I get to wear all sorts of cool clothes and, frankly, I would be marrying someone else."

"Marrying someone else?" he queried.

"I mean, I would be . . . uh . . . burying . . . uh . . . someone's belts. Yeah, that's it!" she said, realizing she had gone too far.

"Burying someone's belts?"

"It's one of the corporal acts of mercy," she said, thinking fast. "You know, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, bury the dead, bury their . . . (gulp) . . . belts . . ."

"Really?"

"Didn't you have that in Doctrine?"

"Uh, I don't remember. I must have been absent that day."

"Well, it was an old Medieval custom for ladies of the manor to perform this work of mercy." she explained. "It's making a come back. There's an article in the Remnant about it."

Polly felt pretty stupid, but Uzi seemed to accept this. He may be strong and able to fly around but when it comes to grey matter . . . let's just say that he was the first student from Christendom allowed to graduate with a double major in liturgical music and fashion design - with much of the core curriculum waived.

Uzi caught sight of his stunning blue cape and bright red booties and was pleasantly distracted. "Oh, I think I hear another distress call, I must be going."

"Oh, so soon?" said Polly. "Well, of course, duty calls." She watched him fly off.

What will become of Uzi? Will he continue on his course, straight and true? Will Texas Schola Dawg try to continue drawing him into the dark side? Will Polly learn when to stop her verbal fantasias? Will the altos ever get a story of their own? - because there's nothing wrong with them!

For answers to these and other questions. Tune into this station. Same time, next week for another episode of "Uzi - Super Schola Dog."